Secret Window, Secret Door, Secret Bathroom
by Secret Toasty Pirate
Summary: Emily and Brittany are out of corn! Gasp! And all the supermarkets on the face of the earth have burned down! All except one…convientley located in…dun dun dun…Tashmore Lake!
1. But why's the corn gone?

**Title**: Secret Window…Secret Door…Secret Bathroom  
**Author**: The Secret Toasty Pirate (me!!)  
**Rating**: PG-13  
**Summary**: Emily and Brittany are out of corn! Gasp! And all the supermarkets on the face of the earth have burned down! All except one…convientley located in…dun dun dun…Tashmore Lake!  
  
**Chapter One**

Where's all the corn gone?

"Brittany," moaned Emily, searching through the fridge. "You're all out of corn on the cob!"  
  
Brittany walked into the dark kitchen. Emily was staying the night with Brittany, and the two girls had elected to stay home while Brittany's parents had gone out.  
  
"We don't keep our corn in the fridge, Emily," said Brittany, looking through some cabinets. "But you are right. We're out of corn."  
  
Emily slammed the fridge door shut in a furious rage and stormed out of the room. Here we go, thought Brittany, walking after her. She'd gone outside on the porch.  
  
Brittany stepped outside onto the porch, shutting the door behind her. It was rather dark outside, and only a few street lamps that lined the road were lit. Emily was pacing back and forth, and she appeared to be deep in thought. "Emily." No answer. "Emily!" No answer. "EM—Jeremy?"  
  
Emily stopped pacing and snapped her head up. "What did you say?"  
  
Brittany pointed at the road. Jeremy Blankenship, a friend of theirs, was walking up the road, accompanied by David Dillon, another friend, both of whom were carrying…torches. They approached Brittany's house.  
  
"My mom made me come over to ask if you had any corn on the cob," said Jeremy. Brittany raised her eyebrow, and her left eye twitched, but Emily gasped.  
  
"Actually, no!" she exclaimed. "We were going to go to Tashmore Lake and buy some!"  
  
Brittany had BOTH eyebrows raised now. "What? Why Tashmore Lake?"  
  
Emily shrugged. "Because Krogers burned down," she said simply.  
  
"What about Wal-Mart?"  
  
"Burned."  
  
"Foodfair?"  
  
"Burned."  
  
"Seven Eleven?" added Jeremy.  
  
Emily gave him an irritated look. "They don't sell corn on the cob. But it still burned."  
  
They stared at her. No one dared question her explanation.  
  
"How are you getting there?" asked David.  
  
"_We_," corrected Emily, "are going to hijack a car, drive it to Tashmore Lake, get some corn on the cob, and drive back to Barboursville."  
  
The three others were silent as they stared at her once more. Brittany's eye was twitching again. Emily examined her fingernails serenely, and said (more to her fingernails then anyone else), "Well…what are we waiting for? Jeremy can drive…since he can drive a drivey lawn mower properly. There's a wonderful little red car I noticed down the street that looks very easy to hotwire."  
  
"No," said David. "No freaking way I will go all the freaking way to freaking Tashmore Lake to get freaking corn on the FREAKIN' COB!"  
  
Emily's eyes glazed over. "Then we'll just have to MAKE YOU!"  
  
No more questions or comments were uttered as the four teenagers walked to the red car down the street. And, it turned out, there was no need for hotwiring. The doors were unlocked and the key was in the ignition. _What utter morons_, thought Emily, opening the back door and climbing in, followed by a reluctant Brittany. Jeremy sat in the driver's seat and David in the passenger seat.  
  
"Alright," said Jeremy, starting the car. "Let's go!"

**A/N** Thus, the journey begins! Kind of short...but whatever. The next chapter will include big red buttons, flying cars, and a lonely house in Tashmore Lake. Mort's house? Read on, children!


	2. Traveling to Tashmore Lake

**Title**: Secret Window…Secret Door…Secret Bathroom

**Author**: The Secret Toasty Pirate (me)  
**Rating**: PG-13

**Summary**: Emily and Brittany are out of corn! Gasp! And all the supermarkets on the face of the earth have burned down! All except one…convientley located in…dun dun dun…Tashmore Lake!  
  
**Chapter Two**

Traveling to Tashmore Lake

* * *

Jeremy pushed his Etnie-clad foot down on the gas pedal, and off shot the red car down the street.  
  
"Jeremy, stop moving the steering wheel around!" Emily shrieked at him from the backseat as he turned the steering wheel vigorously to the left and right.  
  
"Shut up, I'm trying to drive!" he yelled back at her. He got to the end of the street and made a sharp right turn, sending Emily flying to the right. She landed on Brittany, who shoved her off immediatley.  
  
The road from there was straight, but Jeremy felt it necessary to keep moving the steering wheel, causing the car to swerve into the other lane every so often. Luckily, there weren't any cars on that particular road.  
  
Emily sighed heavily and leaned back into the seat. "Jeremy, don't ever get your liscence."  
  
They were on the highway now. In a matter of minutes, they would be in Tashmore Lake, even though it is in a completely different state thousands of miles away from West Virginia. So, to make it more convinient and to cover up the plotholes, Emily, being the curious George she is, discovered a large red button underneath the seat in front of her.  
  
"Oooh, a red button!" exclaimed Emily, bending over and examining the button. "I wonder what would happen if I poked it?"  
  
"Emily, no, don't poke the--" began Brittany. Too late. Emily had poked the red button! Suddenly, the car sprouted wings and flew into the air at lightning-fast speed!  
  
Emily's eyes were practically bulging out of their sockets. Brittany was holding on to David's seat for dear life; Jeremy was still pushing his foot on the pedal and turning the steering wheel, and David was sitting there, staring out the window and looking very much like he doubted his sanity.  
  
"I'm high," said David flatly, staring out the window as the clouds rushed by them.  
  
"Yes, we're all very high," said Brittany nervously, still cluthing the seat.  
  
"No you retard...I meant...I must be high...there's no other way I--we--you...yeah, I'm stoned or something," said David, hitting his head against the window.  
  
So, in five minutes, they had reached their destination--Tashmore Lake. The car descended from the sky onto a deserted dirt road in the middle of the woods.  
  
"Where _are_ we?" asked Brittany, looking out her window.  
  
"Tashmore Lake," replied Emily, as if it was the most obvious answer in the world.  
  
"I know that," she snapped. "I meant _where_ in Tashmore Lake."  
  
After driving a while (and hitting a couple of trees), they finally reached a lonely house.  
  
"Stop here," ordered Emily.  
  
"Yes, Commodore Emily," muttered Jeremy, stopping the car.  
  
"Let's go and ask directions to the nearest supermarket."  
  
"I don't know, Emily," said Brittany worriedly. "It looks rather dark and ominous...and kind of creepy. What if a mad, schizophrenic dorito-eating, mountain dew-chugging author lived in there?"  
  
Emily stared blankly. "That was oddly specific." She paused. "Oh, who cares. We'll take our chances," she said impatiently. "And I really have to pee. Come on, let's GO!"

**

* * *

**

**A/N** Yes! Si! Wi! Okay. I must apologize, I tend to have alot of conversation and hardly any descriptive paragraphs. But we talk alot. So...there you be, savvies.


	3. Meeting Mort

**Chapter Three**

Meeting Mort

* * *

They all stepped out of the car, and, leading the group, Emily marched up onto the porch and knocked on the door. She wasn't sure how late it was, or if whoever lived here would even be awake. If anyone even lived here. The house was rather dark and ominous…and kind of creepy. So, it simply made since that someone had to live there. Or at least, it made since to Emily.

The door opened, and Emily gasped. A tall man wearing a tattered old bathrobe with messy blonde hair stood in the door frame, rubbing his eyes with one hand and holding a pair of glasses in the other. _Actually, he's extrodinarily handsome_, thought Emily, stroking her chin absently, wondering how idiotic she looked.

Brittany glanced over at Emily. _Gosh, she looks like an idiot, stroking her chin like that_, she thought. _Wonder what she's thinking about? Do I even want to know? Probably not_.

"Can I help you?" said the man groggily, putting on his glasses.

"Oh…yes," said Emily, no longer rubbing her chin. "Terribly sorry to bother you, sir. We just flew—I mean, drove here…and…I guess took a wrong turn…we are in Tashmore Lake, right?"

"Yeah…" mumbled the man. "Why don't you just…come in or something?"

Without even a backwards glance, Emily strode into the house like she owned it. Brittany stared apprehensively at Jeremy and David, but followed her friend, as did Jeremy and David. The man shut the door behind them.

"Thanks," said Emily. "What did you say your name was?"

"Uh…Mort Rainey," he replied as he walked over to a couch and sat down. "Make yourselves at home…who are you again?"

Emily laughed. "I'm Emily…that's Brittany, that's David, and that tall guy there," she said, pointing at Jeremy, "Is Jeremy…poor fellow, castrated, he is."

Mort's eyebrows flew up in surprise. "Owch…what happened?"

"Long story…" said Emily, her voice trailing. "Say, do you have a bathroom?"

Brittany nudged Emily. _Of course he has a bathroom_, she thought. _Who doesn't have a freakin' bathroom?_

Mort smiled. "Yeah, upstairs, first door to the right…there's not a mirror in there," he added. "Apparently it was mounted incorrectly and suddenly fell off the wall one day, completely shattering it."

"It's okay…thanks, Mr. Rainey," said Emily, walking up the stairs. She looked for the door, but found she could not find it. "Maybe this is like Harry Potter," she said out loud to herself. "Like…the Room of Requirement." So, she clasped her hands behind her back and paced back and forth, focusing on how badly she needed to pee.

--**Back downstairs**…--

"So…you guys aren't from around here, are you?" inquired Mort.

"No, we're from Barboursville, in West Virginia," said Brittany. Jeremy and David really have a way with words, she thought.

"Never heard of it. Why did you come here, anyway?"

"Corn on the cob." She even felt stupid saying it. She tried not to imagine how retarded it sounded.

Apparently, Mort had not thought it sounded retarded. "Oh really? I have a ton of corn on the cob…if you wanted to take it off my hands…" He grinned, exposing pearly white teeth. He has braces? thought Brittany. His teeth look fine to me…but they look really good on him…

Brittany laughed. "Absolutely, if you wouldn't mind to part with it. My friend had a…corn craving."

"Completely understandable," said Mort, shrugging.

--**Back upstairs**—

Suddenly, to Emily's utter amazement, a door appeared in the wall. "A secret door!" she exclaimed, wrenching it open. She took a sharp intake of breath.

Inside the room was the most beautiful bathroom she had ever laid eyes upon. Marble floors, marble bath tub, marble sink, even a freakin' marble toilet.

"Holy bugger…" whispered Emily, as she entered the room, her eyes scanning the room. When her eyes fell upon the toilet, she remembered exactly how much she had to pee. So…she peed. In the toilet, that is.

--**Back downstairs**—

Mort handed Brittany a large sack filled with ears of corn. "Thanks, Mr. Rainey…I'll just carry this out to the car."

"Here, let me help," said Mort, taking the sack and walking out the door. Brittany followed him out to the car.

Something in her bones told her that she shouldn't be outside alone in the dark with this man…Mort Rainey…but she waved the feeling aside as she opened the trunk of the hijacked car.

Mort dropped the sack in the trunk. "Once again, thank you, Mr. Rainey," said Brittany.

"Please, call me Mort," he said, smiling.

"Okay…" said Brittany awkwardly, turning around, making to go back inside the house. Roughly, Mort grabbed her shoulder, whipping her around. She gasped as she faced him. He was not smiling anymore…

"I don't think you're goin' anywhere, missy," he said with a strong southern accent. Brittany wrinkled her nose in confusion. Then, she kicked him in the balls and ran back inside the house to warn the others.


End file.
